I just wanted to throw some things at you before I go off-line for a few days (brother’s wedding in Utah.) First, Part II of my “2 Kids and 20 Bucks” will go live this Saturday on www.momlogic.com - be sure to click it out! Second, June’s issue of ParentingOC will be on newsstands on Monday - pick one up and read Sugar Mama’s Father’s Day column! Third, well, there is no third - that’s really all I have going on. I’ll be back on Tuesday, however, refreshed, renewed and hopefully not replaced by a sister wife.

xoxo, Sugar

My oldest brother is getting married this weekend, so I thought I’d jot down some marital wisdom for him. If any of you find it useful, then I’ve saved you a trip to the couch on Thursday and I’m happy for you. (Have you noticed that couples always have therapy appointments on Thursdays? Why is that?)

Anyway, enjoy.

Sugar Mama’s Tips and Strategies for keeping Joe from leaving her:

1. Never bad-mouth your in-laws. Blood is always thicker. Always.
2. Never give (or receive) “love” coupons. Redeem for one backrub, etc? LAME. Go get a massage if your shoulders ache.
3. Don’t “dis” your spouse simply to fit in. It’s only a reflection on you (my opinion) that you married someone you’d make fun of.
4. Keep separate back accounts. This is a very unpopular tip, but Joe and I have fought about money only ONCE in seven years (when he forgot to put HIS money in MY checking account!) Seriously, money is the root of most marital conflict. REMOVE bank statements from your dinner conversations and cultivate some financial autonomy.
5. Ask for want you want. They’re just never, ever, ever going to pretend read your mind again after dating.  You want him to tell you he loves you more? Let him know. (My brother isn’t marrying a man – I just threw this one in for all of you.)
6. When you’re just too tired – tired of being touched, hung on, slobbered on by the kids – and just want to get some sleep, remember that “it” (sorry, our parents read this) burns 80 calories, which means you can blow off tomorrow’s workout and stay home to watch Ellen! (Tom, you probably don’t watch Ellen. And this tip OBVIOUSLY isn’t for you anyway, because you don’t do “that.” Gross.)

Congratulations to Tom and Julie!!!! TLA4EVER

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

The first of my three-part “2 Kids and 20 Bucks” series has just launched on Momlogic, Telepictures’ “mom” site! Finally, a national forum to humiliate my children!

(Yes, the photo is of them…)

http://www.momlogic.com/2008/05/2_kids_and_a_20_part_1.php

I can see with my blue eyes.

I see a brown pinecone.

I use my nose to smell.

I can smell frosting.

I use my hands to touch.

I use my tongue to taste.

I use my ears to hear.

Can you hear me?

By Jackson Thomas Jenkins, age 5

…there’s a new D-lister in town. Well, a new D-lister in Target, actually. And I’m nowhere near a “D”, but I was recognized just the same. Shopping with my oldest son, Jackson, today for Pokemon cards and self tanning lotion at a Target at least 30 minutes away from our house, a pretty woman with a stroller approached me and asked, “Are you Sugar Mama?”

I was speechless. Am I Sugar Mama? Or, rather, should I admit that I am in these holey jeans and Barbie bobby pin?

“Yes, I am.” I admitted.

“Well, I love you.” She said, and then added, “I mean, I love reading your column.”

“I love you, too!” I beamed. “I mean, I love that you read my column. I mean…well, I don’t know what I mean.”

“I think I know what you mean.” She smiled. “It was really nice to meet you.” And then she strollered off.

Just one more thing you can find at Target! An ego boost.

Mothering Heights Manual for Motherhood, Vol. 1 is now available on Amazon and we need your reviews!

(http://www.amazon.com/Mothering-Heights-Manual-Motherhood-1/dp/098175760X/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1211428914&sr=1-1)  

If you feel so inclined (and have actually read the book) please include your feedback here in my comments section, and the book’s editor (the fabulous Christine Fugate) will throw them up on amazon for the world to see! You can comment on other authors - doesn’t have to on my essay - just please include the author’s name and title of essay in your blurb.  

Thank you so much for your continued support and enthusiasm. kisses, kisses, and more kisses!

The book is also available for purchase on www.MotheringHeights.net and www.ASenseofHumor.biz 

My kids were back in school today after a grueling sick week (+ 2 days) home with me. So let’s just say that I’m talked out, cuddled out and washing toweled out. And all I wanted was peace and quiet this afternoon – just for five minutes. So I whispered to my kids that I had temporarily lost my voice. Yeah, yeah – I lied, but at least I didn’t start DRINKING, which, quite frankly, sounded pretty heavenly at that ghastly hour of 3pm. Anyway, Jackson – my five-year-old – said that he’d go look for it.

Look for what?” I pseudo-signed.

“Your voice.” He answered.

So he and his younger brother looked under the bed, inside the trash can, on top of the fridge, searching, I guess, for my voice. Intrigued, I followed them - which, of course, defeated the whole purpose of “leave-me-alone” time - but I couldn’t resist. Finally, they tracked down my purse and pulled out my cell phone.

“Found it.” Jackson said.

Then I gave him my best “confused” look.

“Well, you’re talking into it all the time, your voice is probably stuck in there.”

I knew there was a reason I had kids. I’ll take weeks of throw up and sleepless nights for a nugget like that anytime.

Mothering Heights Manual for Motherhood, Vol. 1 will be having another event at The Road Less Traveled in Santa Ana, CA June 19^th from 6:30-8:30. I’m really excited about this one – a very cool venue dedicated to “bringing alternatives to every aspect of life.” www.roadlesstraveledstore.com. Three authors will be reading, including myself. Hope to see you there!!!

Part of my initial arrangement with my publisher was to keep a MySpace page – “Just another way to get to all things Sugar Mama,” he said. But within an hour of signing up, I found that the only “things” MySpacers were interested in were my jugs. (With such a provocative alias, what did I expect?) Anyway, rants on poopy diapers weren’t exactly hot, so I de-activated. 

Several months later, I opened an account on Facebook under my real name - mostly as a test-drive for future Sugar Mama e-efforts. Immediately, I connected with old high school friends. (Having gone to three different ones, I had my share.) But I also had my share of ghosts - one in particular. She and I were good friends in high school #2. Well, “good” is questionable – I was a pretty crappy friend to her. “Close” was more like it. Anyway, after that high school had run its course (or, rather, run me out) she dumped me. The reasons are foggy, but I’m sure I deserved it. It was my first friend dump. Well, my only, actually, to this day. So when I saw her name on Facebook I invited her to be my friend. Again.

She accepted!

Only to dump me again.

Within a few clicks, I had inadvertently enrolled in Facebook High, high school #4. But I was inspired by an entry on another writer’s blog this morning – one where the writer heralded an “enemy” simply for her talents. I actually don’t consider my person an enemy - clearly, I still had hopes we would re-connect. But how many more high schools is it going to take for me to learn that some fences don’t mend?

None. Because today is my official graduation day, I’ve decided. And it’s OK that I’ll have one empty seat.

If my house were burning down and I had enough time to run in and grab three things (assuming my family were already rescued), they would be: My light fixtures, because I spent more time finding just the right ones for each room than I did naming my own children; my husband’s pillow, because, without it, none of us would ever sleep again; and my new MBT sneakers because they simulate walking on sand which means I don’t have to. (And I dare you to track sand in my new house.)

So not one single photo of my kids, or one love letter from my husband. Not even my heirloom ruby.

It’s important to answer these questions every now and then to check the pulse on your priorities, which, in my case have clearly flat-lined. But at least my family will be able to see my newly toned cellulite with well-rested eyes until we get settled.